आत्म निर्भरता का पहला एहसास: That first feeling of self-confidence

By Deepika Passi

I had been hearing about going to Vadodara (Gujarat) for a while now. When Gayatri informed that I have to go there for 15 days, I was delighted. It felt like I had taken another step forward towards my goal. I was feeling extremely happy and content from inside. However, before I could head to Vadodara and live my dream, I had to talk to my family and seek their permission. While I was elated, I was also scared thinking about the possibility of my family not allowing me to go. I wondered what would I do if that were to happen. Nevertheless, I knew my heart and mind was set. I knew I wasn’t going to listen to anyone. I started thinking about what I'd tell them if they say no. How long would you be there with me? At some point, I will have to live on my own, traveling and going out alone. If I learn this independence now, it will only be good for me. I also told myself that I would tell them that I want to do something and become someone. I want people to know me. I also want to teach camera and photography to girls.

When I finally told this at home, my mother agreed but I had still not told my brother. I was not sure how to tell him and what he would say. It wasn’t a matter of just 1 or 2 days but 15 days! I was also scared to tell him because I myself had never lived away from my home for such a long period. Somehow, I mustered enough courage and asked my brother in the presence of my mother. He said yes! At that moment, I felt like I had just won a great war. My joy knew no bounds. All I could think was going and working as diligently and smoothly as I can.

I was going to Vadodara with Pooja Pant, our media trainer for the early marriage project. I was staying in a hostel sharing the room with a few other girls. For three days, Pooja mentored me there and observed how I teach the girls there. I myself learned a lot from this exercise. I needed this kind of feedback to improve my own teaching skills. I was really happy and thankful that there was someone who was watching me closely, and, telling me how I was doing. This was a significant changing point in my life—to be observed by someone on my teaching when I myself began my journey at FAT as a student—and the thrill of experiencing it was amazing.

The day Pooja and I took the first class, we played an ice-breaking game to know each other better. In this game, each one of us had to tell our names and do something that we liked. All the girls enjoyed playing this game very much. After this, Pooja and I gave sheets of paper to the girls for them to write their hopes, expectations and challenges with these classes. These sheets were neatly pinned on the board so everyone could see and learn from them.

After getting to know each other a little more, we gave camera to the girls and asked them to click some portrait shots. The girls took their first step towards the world of photography! They were really enjoying using a camera (for the first time). Many pictures were clicked, after which the girls examined each other’s photographs. After the day ended, I went back to my hostel again, where my roommates had arrived. I spoke to her a lot, told her about myself and shared why I was in Vadodara and where I had come from. When my roommates heard that I had come from Delhi, they asked how come I wasn't afraid of that city. With such conversations, I didn't realize that it was nighttime already. I prepared to sleep so far away from my home for the first time in my life. In a new place, away from my friends and family, sleep eluded me but I somehow managed to catch some rest. The next morning, I got ready to leave for Sahiyar again.

After talking to Pooja and the folks at Sahiyar, we decided to hold the camera classes in accordance with the girls’ school timings—twice a day from 10am-12pm and 3-5pm. The girls began coming regularly and in my first official class, I taught them all about the history of camera and photography. This was completely new information for the girls, which they found interesting. However, there was just one problem: language. Most of the girls spoke Gujarati while I was more comfortable in Hindi. To resolve this, someone or the other would always be present in the class to help clear any doubts in Gujarati. Saroj, Reshma, Jagriti and Dhruvi especially helped me in this regard.

After three days, Pooja left giving me all the responsibility. It felt weird and scary and I wondered how I would manage it all alone. Carrying the camera classes forward, I taught the girls about camera shots. The girls were also given cameras to take it outside for fieldwork. They really enjoyed these kinds of exercises and felt happy to click pictures, capture shots and look at each others’ work and learn from them. I also did community visits one day and visited some girls’ houses, met their families and introduced myself to them. I explained all about my work and my enthusiasm (photography). The girls’ parents were very happy to meet me and note that I had come from so far to teach something to their daughters.

When I spoke about early and forced marriage and gender discrimination with the girls, I felt they needed help to engage with the issue, as their grasp on this subject was little. I explained the nuances of it with several examples as well as using my own story to illustrate contextual realities better. When their understanding on the issue was slightly stronger, I told them to use photography to highlight this issue well; that while clicking pictures, this issue needs to be kept in mind. This was a new topic to deal with for the girls and they started to understand this gradually and in a more closed and critical way. However, they all had the same question: how do we highlight this using the medium of photos? We discussed on this some more and came to know that the girls had witnessed and experienced instances of early and forced marriage in and around their own neighbourhood, where they had seen girls being married off at an early age. After strengthening their own grasp on this issue, their self-confidence increased and they picked up their weapon: the camera! They were allowed to take the camera home where they enacted scenes from a marriage. They clicked each other as they played roles of the bride, the groom and the bride and groom’s parents. To highlight the critical issue of child marriage, the girls themselves played roles of the mother and the father and enacted the marrying away of their children. This entire role-play was clicked and captured on camera.

In these 15 days, I missed my home and family the most. I was homesick often and even cried on some occasions. After speaking to my family members, I realized that they were missing me too. Just like that, time flew in Sahiyar. And, suddenly, it was my last day with the girls. I thought of throwing them a small, surprise party. I told the girls that on Saturday, they are supposed to wear saris and we would sing and dance together. The surprise was cake and snacks that we had ordered for everyone. The girls were pleasantly surprised and enjoyed the party before it was time to bid goodbye. The girls were hugging and crying, forbidding me to go back. My heart reached out to them and I did not really want to go. But how could I have stayed? I explained to them that my family members were missing me and so was I. Promising to meet them again, I bid them an emotional farewell.

This was the first time I was travelling alone on a train (Pooja had accompanied me on my way to Vadodara). I was excited and restless to board the train and reach home safely. Sahiyar’s Deepika and her husband had accompanied me to the station to see me off. Now, I was with several passengers in the train and yet alone. But, despite being alone, I spoke to my co-passengers, observed other travelers, ate something or the other: there was so much fun in doing all of this! As the train was nearing New Delhi, every minute seemed like an hour. I was restless to meet my friends and family.

My friends had come to receive me at the station. It felt amazing to meet them after so long. I spent some time with them and then went to FAT office. After meeting everyone at FAT, I called up my brother who came to pick me up. Even he was happy to see me but he did not say anything. But I knew it and could see the happiness on his face. He took me home and the first thing I did was to eat homemade food that satisfied me immensely. I told all about my trip to everyone in my family. About Gujarat, its sweet food, the atmosphere there, the weather and my amazing experience with the girls. Narrating all these stories, I felt very proud of my achievements and myself. My entire experience could be summed up like this: a place where along with working, I enjoyed and had a lot of fun. I returned with a lot of hopes, aspirations and self-confidence. I will always remember this experience with much fondness.

Deepika Passi is a Tech Center alumni who is currently a fellow with FAT working on using photography as a medium to convey issues around gender. She was recently in Gujarat teaching camera and photography to the girls at Sahiyar: Stree Sangathan. To know more about FAT’s partnership with Sahiyar, click here. Deepika is also an intern engaged in the early marriage project. To read more about the collective fight against early and forced marriage, click here.

Edited and translated by Deepa Ranganathan.