मासूम निगाहे उड़ाना चाहे

My friend Reema, 18 years, lives in Panchamba Distrct, Giridh, Jharkhand. She lives with her parents and her two elder brothers. Her family was overjoyed to have a daughter born after two sons. She was really pretty and adorable and was loved by everyone in her house. Her mother is a home maker while her father was a coalman earlier but he cannot work now as he has been paralysed for the past 7-8 years. Her elder brothers’ study and work to support the family, and one of her brothers work at a toll tax collection counter.

Being the youngest in the family, Reema is adored by all the family members. With luminous eyes, she would see the world with joy and hope. She enjoyed reading and would do really well school competitions.

Reema was an obedient girl and would listen to whatever her family said. She always felt that her family would never think or do anything wrong or bad to her. Like any other girl, Reema grew up being allowed to study but that also came with some terms and conditions. Interestingly, she thought these restrictions and barriers were for her welfare and she would abide by them without any second thoughts. She believed if she would disobey her family’s decisions she would be termed as a bad daughter and no body will marry her and the society will not accept the rebellious side of her personality. Therefore, she always managed to say yes to everything whatever she has been asked by her family members particularly her brothers. She was living in a dream world where she believed a young handsome prince will come one day and marry her.

During the last Saraswati Puja that was held at Reema's school, everyone was allowed to wear casual clothes. Reema's friends in school decided that they would all be wearing jeans and tops. But Reema knew that she would be wearing a salwar suit because her family did not want her to wear jeans-top. But on the day of the Puja she felt like negotiating with the family to allow her to wear jeans and top. Her friends also encouraged her and said that if she wore jeans, everyone would look the same. Reema thought she could wear it just once, so after coming back home, she asked her mother. Her mother stayed silent for some time and asked Reema to check with her brothers. Her brothers in turn asked her to check with her father. And then no one said anything to her.

That day Reema was very upset. She felt sad that she always accepted everything that others in the family asked her to do, but when she asked for something that she really wanted to do, no one was agreed to her Seeing Reema’s disappointment her brothers allowed her to wear jeans with a long kurta. Reema immediately agreed and felt that at least something was better than nothing.

As the year rolled on, everything felt good, but little did we know that this was the sheer silence before the arrival of the storm. Unaware of the future turmoil people were living their lives. Then the lockdown was announced, and ironically, those who used to keep people (women and girls mostly) within the four walls of the house were today forced to keep themselves confined within the houses. Till date, the people who stayed at home were taunted, but now whoever stayed at home were called wise. As the lockdown started in the country, it started an upheaval in everyone's life. I noticed that in my community, people around me were staying indoors, but they had to go out to get their groceries and other resources. The financial condition of people was becoming worse. It was believed that If they stayed at home, they would die of hunger and if they went out, they would die from the coronavirus. There were only a handful no. of families in my community who did not face any trouble during lockdown related to ration or in any other way.

Reema's brother lost his job at the toll tax counter. Initially their family had no problem with food at home. They were eating food, like they did prior to the lockdown. But in a few weeks, they had to depend on having salted chapatis, salted rice as there was nothing else available. Sometimes they slept with their stomach’s half filled. Reema saw how several young children in her own Kandu caste community would be constantly crying because they were not getting food.She looked at the helpless eyes of the parents of these children and their constant worry on how they would get rations to feed their children. She saw women quarrelling for dry ration when it was being distributed. She saw the terrible consequences of the lockdown and felt helpless to do anything.

Earlier, Reema used to be able to leave her house for some time to meet friends, or sit alone in her room and listen to music, watch TV and learn to dance - simple things that gave her some time to relax and be with herself. But with the lockdown, she could not do any of these things as her brothers would spend most of their time at home. The household work had also increased. While everyone had more free time in lockdown, Reema did not have that free time. Due to her brothers being at home, she was unable to do anything that relaxed her. She didn't even have a phone to listen to songs. Her brothers were always sitting where the TV was kept. She could neither listen to music nor could she see anything on the TV in front of her father and brothers. She could only watch the news because Reema's family believes that programmes on TV sometimes showed scenes which should not be viewed in front of her brothers. Once, when she was watching TV, there was a television show airing where a couple were being intimate. When her brother suddenly came in and saw such a scene on the TV, he forbade Reema to watch such a programme. From that day, they made two rules for her to watch TV - one, while sitting with her brothers, she can only watch news and secondly, not watching anything adult or romantic with them.

Gradually it was time for Reema to get enrolled for her next semester, but there was a fee amount that she had to pay. She constantly worried about it. How could she ask for fees when there were no food grains in the house? Nothing made sense to her, she felt like all the doors were closing on her. Reema saw a ray of hope for this when she found out that 500 rupees were being given by the government into her account. During the lockdown, a lot of people received 500 INR for three months in their account. This was a government run scheme. She had received two months deposit of 500 INR. She used it for submitting her fees. She did not even talk about this money to her parents as she knew they would use it for managing home expenses.

Reema was also scared that she would get Corona if she left home. However, she had to go to college. All the way to the college she chanted "Jai Hanuman". When she reached college, she saw that no one was following social distancing and everyone was standing very close. The administrator of the college also was not there at the time and even a reporter came and took a photo and left. Seeing this, she started getting scared because the girls had come from different places to the college. Reema feared that she might be carrying the virus and it might reach the family through her.

“When I visited Reema's house one day during lockdown, I realized that her eyes reflected hunger. Her eyes were moist and twinkling as if trying to see light in the dark. The silence in her house was such that one could hear a needle fall, whereas before lockdown, there used to be a lot of noise in her house throughout the day. If you are hungry then you do not have the energy to fight or have any fun. Therefore, everybody was silent”.

Seeing the silence of her house, Reema herself was drowning in sadness. She was unable to do anything for her family. She wanted to do something, but was unable to do anything. She was struggling and in despair like so many, and one could see negative thoughts in her words. Reema compared herself to the oil lamp that burnt brightly just before it extinguished.

Also no one was coming forward to help Reema's family as everyone was going through the same situation. Also, on the outside, Reema’s family looked well to do. Everyone thought thing were fine in their house. Nobody wanted to understand the truth that everyone had a problem at home during these times. We live in a community where people believe that they will drink salt water, but they will not disclose the financial status of their home in front of anyone. Thinking that others will laugh at their condition, everyone remains silent about what they are going through at home. Everyone was living in their own sense of false pride. In my community, people are allowed to sleep on an empty stomach, but no one is allowed to share their problems with anyone. This behaviour sometimes works also, because at times people gossip about one’s trouble and also complain about each other. So many feel it is better to cry alone than to share their problems with anyone.

Looking at the situation of lockdown, online classes had also started. Reema did not have a phone. During the lockdown, when Reema's 12th results came, all her friends had seen their results. Only Reema could not see because the phone that was in the house was being used by her brother. When he returned at night, Reema saw her result. The bigger question is whether his brother will give Reema his phone to join online classes. Even if she gets her name registered in college, she will not be able to continue the classes. Her brother will not give her phone. Her brothers are allowed to use the phone whenever they want since they also run the house. Therefore, it is very important for them to do their studies and attend their classes. And it was not acceptable for even for Reema's mother to let Reema study online without giving phone to the brothers.

This story is not only about Reema, but also of my community. There are many houses that are waiting for their family who are unable to come back home. And there are some families who are waiting for food, some are those who have a common cold or cough, but they are not going to take medicines because they are afraid that they may be taken away thinking they have COVID.

I want to see laughing faces where I usually used to see laughter. The way the water fills in the rivers in the rainy season, there is water in the eyes of people and many are also are walking the path of silence.

The eyes long to see smiles and happiness on the faces of everyone
I am tired of listening to hopelessness in the voices of people
The silence of people is very sharp
The eyes long to see the children who would roam freely in the markets with their father and grandfather
The people on the roads have hidden, seems like silence has taken deep roots all around us

Written by Khushi from Giridih, Jharkhand
This article is part of a Livelihood Action Project of FAT with young girls from Bihar and
Jharkhand to enable them to become professional story writers. The training for story writing was done by Purwa Bharadwaj, and she edited and finalised the story in Hindi. The English translation of this story was done by an intern from TISS, Aqsa and final edits by Priyanka Sarkar.